THE CASE OF THE ABDUCTED COMEDIAN

IN JANUARY OF 2003 I RECEIVED A LETTER FROM A WELL KNOWN COMEDIAN. ONE THAT ALL OF YOU ARE FAMILIAR WITH. I PROMISED HIM ANONYMITY AND BECAUSE OF THAT I WON’T REVEAL HIS NAME.

THIS IS ONE OF THE ODDEST CONTACT CASES I HAVE EVER HEARD. HE SAID HE WAS ABDUCTED THREE WEEKS BEFORE AFTER HAVING JUST COMPLETED A PERFORMANCE AT A COMEDY CLUB. HE WAS UNLOCKING HIS CAR DOOR WHEN HE FELT A STRANGE SENSATION. IT WAS LIKE HE WAS BEING PULLED SIMULTANEOUSLY IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS. THE PAIN WAS INTENSE AND HE BLACKED OUT. WHEN HE AWOKE HE WAS IN A STRUCTURE THAT WAS LIKE NOTHING HE HAD EVER SEEN BEFORE. SURROUNDING HIM WERE THIRTY TO FIFTY BEINGS VAGUELY RESEMBLING THE ALIENS IN "CLOSE ENCOUNTERS". FOR A PERSON NOT FAMILIAR WITH ALIEN ABDUCTIONS THAT WAS THE BEST HE COULD DESCRIBE THEM.

HE WAS STRANGELY COMPELLED TO START DOING HIS ACT, AND ASSUMED THAT’S WHAT THEY WANTED. THEY RESPONDED WITH A HIGH-PITCHED CLANKING SOUND. HE COULDN’T TELL IF IT WAS LAUGHTER OR NOT. THE UNNERVING THING WAS, NO MATTER WHAT JOKE HE TOLD HE GOT EXACTLY THE SAME RESPONSE. WHEN HE FINISHED, THERE WAS NO APPLAUSE, SO HE JUST SAT DOWN.

SPONTANEOUSLY ALL THE ALIENS GOT UP AND STARTED DOING HIS ROUTINE, REPEATING HIS JOKES BACK TO HIM. THEY HAD ALL HIS PHYSICAL MANNERISMS, BUT NONE OF HIS CRISP TIMING. IT WAS PAINFUL TO WATCH. HE BLACKED OUT AGAIN AND WOKE UP OUTSIDE HIS CAR IN THE SAME SPOT OF HIS ABDUCTION. STRANGELY, ONLY A FEW SECONDS HAD ELAPSED EVEN THOUGH HIS ACT ITSELF TAKES 45 MINUTES.

HE KEPT THIS TO HIMSELF BECAUSE HE KNEW NO ONE WOULD BELIEVE HIM AND WOULD ASK WHAT DRUGS HE WAS ON! FINALLY HE HAD TO FIND SOMEONE THAT WOULD UNDERSTAND AND THAT IS HOW HE FOUND ME.

HE HAS HAD SOME DREAMS ABOUT THE ABDUCTION. HE DIDN’T BELIEVE HE WAS PROBED OR TAMPERED WITH, BUT SINCE THE INCIDENT, A FEW UNRELATED PERSONS HAVE ASKED WHAT’S DIFFERENT ABOUT HIMSELF.

HE DIDN’T FEEL LIKE PERFORMING AGAIN FOLLOWING THE ABDUCTION, HOWEVER THERE WAS ONE SHOW COMMITMENT HE HAD TO FULFILL AND ODDLY ENOUGH IT WAS ONE OF HIS BEST PERFORMANCES EVER. HE DID HEAR THAT HIGH-PITCHED CLANKING SOUND WHILE ON STAGE. HE DIDN’T KNOW IF THERE WAS AN ALIEN IN THE AUDIENCE, OR IF IT’S JUST EMBEDDED IN HIS BRAIN.

IN REPLYING TO HIS LETTER I TOLD HIM ABOUT A CASE THAT PERHAPS WOULD MAKE HIM FEEL A LITTLE BETTER ABOUT UNUSUAL ABDUCTIONS. THIS TOOK PLACE IN BRAZIL. IT WAS THE CASE OF THE FARMER WHO WAS OUT IN HIS FIELD ON HIS TRACTOR. IT WAS TIME FOR THIS HUGE SOCCOR MATCH WHICH HE WAS LOOKING FORWARD TO WATCHING ON TELEVISION. ALL OF A SUDDEN A UFO CAME DOWN AND LANDED. ALIENS GOT OUT AND TOOK THE FARMER IN THE HOUSE. THEY WANTED TO WATCH THE SOCCOR MATCH WITH HIM. THEY DRANK HIS BEER, LAUGHED, ATE HIS SNACKS, AND ENJOYED THEMSELVES IMMENSLY! WHEN IT WAS OVER THEY LEFT JUST LIKE THEY HAD COME LEAVING HIS HOUSE TRASHED! HE WAS NOT A WEALTHY PERSON SO WHAT THEY DRANK AND ATE HURT HIS POCKETBOOK YOU COULD SAY.

THE COMMEDIAN WROTE AGAIN IN MARCH OF 2003. HE SAID HE HAD NOT CONTACTED ME BECAUSE HIS PERFORMANCES HAD COME AND GONE WITHOUT INCIDENT UNTIL THE LAST FRIDAY NIGHT. HE SAID IF HIS PREVIOUS ABDUCTION WAS BIZARRE, HE WAS SURE EVEN YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD ANTHING CLOSE TO WHAT HAPPENED TO ME THIS TIME!

I HAD JUST FINISHED JUDGING A TALENT CONTEST AT A LOCAL COMEDY CLUB AND WAS APPROACHING MY CAR WHEN I WAS ABDUCTED AGAIN. THE SAME ALIENS (I EVEN RECOGNIZED SOME OF THEM) BROUGHT ME ABOARD THE SAME CRAFT. IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STRUCTURE, THERE WAS A STAGE EXACTLY LIKE THE ONE AT THE COMEDY CLUB I HAD JUST LEFT, BRICK WALL AND EVERYTHING. THIS TIME, HOWEVER, THEY DIDN’T WANT ME TO PERFORM. THE LIGHTS DIMMED AND THEN AN OFF-STAGE ANNOUNCER WELCOMED ME BY NAME TO WHAT HE CALLED "OUR COMEDY SHOWCASE."

THEN SEVERAL ALIEN COMEDIANS WERE INTRODUCED, AND THEY PROCEEDED TO DO THEIR OWN ACTS. SOME WERE FUNNY, SOME WEREN’T. ONE DID THE BEST IMPRESSION OF JACK NICHOLSON I’VE EVER HEARD. HE DID THE "CAN’T WE ALL GET ALONG" SCENE FROM MARS ATTACKS. I LAUGHED AND APPLAUDED WHEN I THOUGHT IT WAS APPROPRIATE. NONE OF THEM DID, HOWEVER. NO HIGH-PITCHED CLANKING SOUNDS THIS TIME.

WHEN THE LAST ONE FINISHED, THERE WAS TOTAL SILENCE. THE LIGHTS WENT UP AND ALL OF THEM WERE STARING AT ME. I SUDDENLY REALIZED THAT THEY WANTED ME TO JUDGE THE CONTEST. PICK A WINNER. AFTER REALIZING THIS, I TOOK A MOMENT AND SAID, "THERE’S MORE COMEDY TALENT HERE TONIGHT THAN I’VE EVER SEEN AT ANY SHOWCASE, BUT I HAVE TO SAY THAT NUMBER FOUR, THE JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR, IN MY OPINION WAS THE BEST". IT WAS OBVIOUS THAT MY DECISION WAS NOT MET WITH TOTAL APPROVAL, BUT IT SEEMED TO BE ACCEPTED. THEN I BLACKED OUT AND AGAIN WOKE UP STANDING OUTSIDE MY CAR.
WHAT’S NEXT? ARE THEY GOING TO ASK ME TO GET THEM AUDITIONS FOR "STAR SEARCH?" I AM A WRECK AGAIN.

REGARDING THE ALIENS, THEY DO NOT VERBALIZE, NOR DO I HEAR THEIR THOUGHTS IN MY MIND. I JUST SEEM TO HAVE THE KNOWLEDGE OF WHAT IT IS THEY WANT ME TO DO. UNFORTUNATELY, THEY SEEM TO WANT ME TO DO MORE AND MORE. LAST NIGHT FOR THE FIRST TIME, THEY CONTACTED ME WITHOUT AN ABDUCTION. I WAS WATCHING "I’M A CELEBRITY...GET ME OUT OF HERE!" WHEN I FELT THE TELEPATHY OF THE JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR. I GOT A DEFINITE FEELING HE WANTED TO KNOW IF I’D CONTACTED ANYBODY ABOUT HIS "STAR SEARCH" APPEARANCE? WHEN I MENTIONED "STAR SEARCH" TO YOU, I SAID IT AS A JOKE, NOT REALLY BELIEVING THAT’S WHAT THE ALIENS WANTED. I GUESS THE JOKE WAS ON ME, BECAUSE AN APPEARANCE ON THAT SHOW TURNED OUT TO BE 1ST PRIZE IN THEIR COMEDY CONTEST THAT I JUDGED! AND NOW THE WINNER EXPECTS ME TO MAKE IT HAPPEN! ISN’T IT IRONIC THAT AN ALIEN WANTS TO DO AN IMPRESSION OF JACK NICHOLSON TALKING TO ALIENS FROM MARS?

FOR THE FIRST TIME, I’VE GONE FROM UNCOMFORTABLE TO SCARED. THE "STAR SEARCH" PRODUCER IS ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS, AND THESE LIFE FORMS KNOW THIS. WHAT DO I DO? THERE’S NOWHERE I CAN HIDE. ARE THEY BLUFFING? YOU PROBABLY THINK I’VE LOST IT.

WHEN I ASKED HIM HOW THEY TALK TO HIM HE EXPLAINED. I FEEL WHAT THEY ARE TRYING TO SAY TO ME BUT I ANSWER BACK VOCALLY. THAT WAY, I CAN BE CERTAIN I’M COMMUNICATING. HOWEVER, WHEN THEY DID THE TALENT SHOW, THEY ACTUALLY SPOKE AND TOLD THE JOKES IN ENGLISH EVEN THOUGH THEY STILL HAD THEIR ALIEN FORMS. IT DIDN’T BOTHER ME THOUGH, I’VE SEEN STRANGER LOOKING COMEDIANS AT THE LAUGH FACTORY ON SUNSET!

THE JACK NICHOLSON IMPERSONATOR CONTACTED ME TWICE YESTERDAY. THE FIRST TIME TELLING ME IT WAS FRIDAY AND BUGGING ME TO CALL THE "STAR SEARCH" PRODUCER BEFORE THE WEEKEND. I TRIED TO EXPLAIN HOW THINGS ARE DONE IN HOLLYWOOD AND THAT IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I CALLED HIM WHEN I ALSO HAD OTHER THINGS TO DISCUSS. THAT WAY I COULD JUST THROW IN, "BY THE HWAY, I JUST SAW THIS GREAT YOUNG COMIC WHO DOES A FABULOUS JACK NICHOLSON IMPRESSION." THINGS WORK BETTER WHEN YOU DON’T ASK FOR FAVORS.

HE COMMUNICATED THAT IN THEIR WORLD THERE’S NO PRETENSE. AT FIRST I TOOK THIS AS AN INSULT, BUT I THEN REALIZED HE WAS CORRECT AND ADMITTED "THERE’S A LOT OF DECEPTION AND MANIPULATION THAT GOES ON DOWN HERE. " THEN SOMEHOW HE GOT "MANIPULATION" CONFUSED WITH "MULTIPLICATION" AND BRAGGED THAT HE COULD ANSWER THE MOST DIFFICULT MATHEMATICAL EQUATION IN LESS THAN A SECOND. I TOLD HIM I COULD DO THE SAME WITH A CALCULATOR. AN ARGUMENT ENSUED AND WE BOTH GOT ANGRY, ME RAISING MY VOICE AND HIM SCREAMING TELEPATHICALLY. THEN HE LEFT. AT LEAST I STOOD UP TO THEM FOR THE FIRST TIME, EVEN THOUGH I NEEDED THREE EXCEDRINS AND A XANAX WHEN IT WAS OVER!

AFTER GIVING ME AN HOUR TO COOL OFF, HE RETURNED AND TOLD ME "THE COUNCIL" HAD DISCUSSED IT AND DECIDED THEY WOULD DO IT MY WAY, BUT THEY WEREN’T GOING TO WAIT UNTIL THE COWS COME HOME! I THOUGHT IT WAS STRANGE THAT HE USED THAT EXPRESSION, THEN I REALIZED HE WAS PATRONIZING ME AND TOLD HIM SO. HE GOT ANGRY AGAIN AND SAID THAT I WOULD HAVE A BIG "APRIL FOOL’S SURPRISE" IF HE WASN’T BOOKED BY THE END OF MARCH. DO YOU THINK THAT WAS AN IDLE THREAT?

IN ANY CASE, WE BOTH CALMED DOWN, AND HE TOLD ME HE WAS INDEED GOING TO TAKE ON HUMAN FORM FOR HIS TELEVISION APPEARANCE. HE THEN WENT FURTHER INTO THE ALIEN’S MASTER PLAN - AFTER WINNING ON "STAR SEARCH", THEY INTEND FOR HIM TO GET HIS OWN SITCOM WHERE HE WILL PLAY AN ALIEN (OF COURSE). ARSENIO HALL (HOST OF STAR SEARCH) WILL BE OFFERED THE ROLE OF ZOOMPAH, HIS BUMBLING ALIEN COHORT. I ASKED IF THEY WERE PLANNING TO USE ME AT ALL IN HIS SITCOM AND HE SAID "WE’LL BE IN CONTACT!"

TRUTHFULLY, LENEESA, THIS CAN’T ALL REALLY BE HAPPNENING. SHOULD I SEE A DOCTOR?

LAST WEEKEND I WAS PRETTY MUCH RESIGNED TO THE FACT THAT AT SOME POINT I WAS GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THE STAR SEARCH PRODUCER. ON SUNDAY, I CAME UP WITH A RUSE. I ASKED JACK IF HE WOULDN’T RATHER BE ON AMERICAN IDOL SINCE IT GOT MUCH HIGHER RATINGS THAN STAR SEARCH.

MY THOUGHT BEING THAT SINCE AMERICAN IDOL IS ONLY FOR SINGERS, HE WOULD FLUNK THE AUDITION. NOBODY WANTS TO HEAR A GUY SINGING LIKE JACK NICHOLSON! HE WAS KIND OF INTRIGUED FOR THE MOMENT BUT CAME BACK LATER AND SAID THE COUNCIL KNEW WHAT I WAS UP TO AND WAS ADVISING ME STRONGLY TO CALL "STAR SEARCH" BY THE END OF THIS WEEK. NO MORE WAITING UNTIL APRIL 1. THEN HE LEFT WITHOUT EVEN GIVING ME THE COURTESY OF A REACH-AROUND.(A HUG) THEY OBVIOUSLY DIDN’T WANT TO HEAR ANYTHING I HAD TO SAY ANY MORE. NATURALLY, SUNDAY NIGHT I WAS A TOTAL WRECK .

THEN 5.AM. MONDAY MORNING, I GET A CALL ON MY PRIVATE NUMBER FROM A WOMAN WHO INTRODUCES HERSELF AS "JEAN BARRIE" FROM MASTERSON RESEARCH. SHE SAYS THAT SHE’S AWARE OF THE FACT THAT THIS GROUP OF ALIENS IS TRYING TO USE ME AND WAS FLYING IN THAT DAY FROM TEXAS BECAUSE SHE HAD TO TALK TO ME. I PICKED HER UP AT THE AIRPORT AND SHE ASKED ME TO TELL HER EVERYTHING THAT HAD HAPPENED. AFTER TELLING HER THE WHOLE STORY, SHE RELAYED THE FOLLOWING INFORMATION TO ME:

MASTERSON RESEARCH IS A SECRET FACILITY THAT ONLY APPROXIMATELY 50 PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT. 30 OF THEM ARE BIOLOGISTS AND ASTRONOMERS WHO WORK THERE. THEY ARE NOT IN ANY WAY ASSOCIATED WITH THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT. IT WAS BUILT AND IS MAINTAINED TO DEAL EXCLUSIVELY WITH THE THREAT OF THESE PARTICULAR ALIENS. SHE SAID THESE ALIENS HAVE BEEN PLANNING THIS MOVE SINCE THE FIRST MASS COMMUNICATION (RADIO) WAS INVENTED. THEY DON’T HAVE SUPERIOR WEAPONRY, SO THEY NEED TO PUT US IN A STATE WHERE THEY CAN DESTROY US WITHOUT OUR BEING ABLE TO FIGHT BACK. SHE SAID A LOT OF OTHER THINGS (WE SPENT 11 HOURS TOGETHER, INCLUDING DINNER AND DRINKS).

THE NEXT DAY, TUESDAY, I FLEW BACK WITH HER ON A PRIVATE PLANE TO MASTERSON RESEARCH, WHERE I MET WITH TWENTY-EIGHT OF THE MASTERSON PEOPLE (TWO OF THE BIOLOGISTS WERE PLAYING GOLF AND COULDN’T DEAL WITH THE FACT THAT THIS WAS ACTUALLY HAPPENING). EVERYBODY WAS IN AGREEMENT THAT THE ALIEN PLAN WAS TO HAVE "JACK" WIN ON "STAR SEARCH" AND, AS WE DISCUSSED, GET HIS OWN SITCOM WHERE HE WOULD PLAY AN ALIEN. IN A VERY SHORT PERIOD, IT WOULD BECOME THE NUMBER ONE SHOW ON TELEVISION INTERNATIONALLY. IT WOULD BE DUBBED INTO EVERY MAJOR LANGUAGE. THERE WOULD BE KIDS LUNCHBOXES, ACTION FIGURES, POSTERS - THE LARGEST MERCHANDISING EFFORT IN HISTORY.

FROM THE MILLIONS OF IMAGES OF JACK, THE ALIENS WOULD THEN AT A DESIGNATED TIME SEND OUT A MIND-CONTROLLING SIGNAL WHICH WOULD REACH MOST PEOPLE ON THE PLANET AND MAKE THEM COMPLETELY DOCILE. THOSE WHO WERE NOT REACHED WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO PUT TOGETHER AN ORGANIZED EFFORT TO STOP THE ALIENS WHEN THEY START THIS WAR OF THE WORLDS. THE ONLY DISAGREEMENT AMONG THE MASTERONIANS SEEMED TO BE WHETHER OR NOT ARSENIO HALL WAS ALREADY CONTROLLED BY THE ALIENS SINCE HAVING HIM AS SECOND BANANA ON JACK’S SHOW WAS DEFINITELY PART OF THE PLAN. JEAN BARRIE FELT STRONGLY THAT HE WAS, BUT THE OTHERS MOSTLY DISAGREED.
THE MASTERSON PEOPLE AND JEAN DIDN’T WANT TO EXPLAIN TO ME HOW THEY KNEW ABOUT THESE ALIENS OR HOW LONG MASTERSON HAD BEEN THERE . IT’S REALLY NOT THAT MUCH TO LOOK AT, JUST A SERIES OF OFFICES AND LABORATORIES ABOVE A STAPLES. NOR WOULD THEY SAY HOW THEY KNEW THE ALIENS HAD DECIDED TO USE ME AS THEIR PLAYMAKER. THEY JUST SAID THAT THEY HAD THEIR DNA AND HAD BEEN WORKING ON IT FOR YEARS. THEY HAD PERFECTED A GENETICALLY-ALTERED EVERYDAY BACTERIA THAT COULD TOTALLY DESTROY THEM. ON THE FLIGHT BACK, SHE GAVE ME A GLOBE WHICH CONTAINED THIS BACTERIA.

THEIR PLAN WAS SIMPLE. THEY WANTED ME TO SUMMON JACK, TELL HIM THAT I GOT HIM AN AUDITION FOR STAR SEARCH AND, IN THE PROCESS, GIVE HIM THIS GLOBE AS A SUPPOSED PRESENT FROM ME TO THE COUNCIL. AS SOON AS THE GLOBE CAME IN CONTACT WITH THEIR SHIP THE BACTERIA WOULD BE RELEASED AND THEY WOULD ALL DIE. THEN THE OTHERS BACK HOME WOULD REALIZE WE WERE ON TO THEM AND FORGET ABOUT SCREWING AROUND WITH EARTH. THEY WOULD THEN PROBABLY GO RIGHT TO WORK ON DESTROYING ANOTHER PEACE-LOVING PLANET.
FRIDAY WAS D-DAY. JEAN WAS HIDDEN AWAY AT THE SPORTSMAN’S LODGE, A HOTEL NOT FAR FROM ME . SHE SEEMED TO THINK IF SHE WERE ANYWHERE IN MY HOUSE JACK MIGHT BE ABLE TO SENSE HER PRESENCE AND IMMINENT DANGER. I SUMMONED JACK AND TOLD HIM I HAD SET UP HIS STAR SEARCH AUDITION FOR NEXT WEEK.

HE WAS ELATED AND IMMEDIATELY SAID HE NEEDED TO GO SHOPPING TO GET HUMAN CLOTHES. I RECOMMENDED BLOOMINGDALE’S BUT TOLD HIM THEY WERE KIND OF PRICEY. HE LAUGHED OR, TO BE MORE DESCRIPTIVE, MADE THAT HIGH-PITCHED CLANKING SOUND THAT I HEARD THE FIRST TIME I WAS ABDUCTED. I THEN GAVE HIM THE GLOBE AND SAID IT WAS A PRESENT. HE ACCEPTED IT AND SEEMED TOUCHED BY THE GESTURE. I REALIZED THAT EVEN THOUGH I’D HAD ARGUMENTS WITH HIM, I HAD KIND OF GROWN TO LIKE JACK AND DIDN’T REALLY WANT TO DO THIS. I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW THEY COULD HAVE SUCH A GOOD SIDE TO THEM AND ALSO BE SO WAR-LIKE. IF THEY KNEW WE WERE ON TO THEM AND COULD KILL THEM WOULDN’T THAT BE ENOUGH TO MAKE THEM GO AWAY?
AFTER SITTING HIM DOWN, I SAID "IN YOUR NICHOLSON ROUTINE, YOU SAY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG?" I SUPPOSE I HAD NO RIGHT TO DO THIS, BUT I BROKE DOWN AT THAT POINT AND TOLD HIM WHAT WE WERE UP TO. THIS WAS SO FOOLISH. I WAS NOT ONLY JEOPARDIZING MY OWN LIFE, BUT THE LIVES OF ALL PEOPLE ON EARTH.

HE IMMEDIATELY BEGAN STARING INTENTLY AT THE GLOBE. AFTER WHAT SEEMED LIKE AN ETERNITY BUT WAS PROBABLY ONLY ABOUT 2 MINUTES, HE TOLD ME I WAS RIGHT, THAT THE ALTERED EVERYDAY BACTERIA IN THE GLOBE WOULD KILL THEM ALL. THEN, WITHOUT EVEN A THANK YOU, HE WAS GONE.

WHEN JEAN BARRIE HEARD WHAT I DID, SHE WAS FURIOUS. SHE SAID THEY WOULD PROBABLY LEAVE AND NOT COME BACK BUT THAT I HAD NO RIGHT WHATSOEVER TO TAKE THAT CHANCE. I SAID "IF WE KILL THEM, AREN’T WE JUST AS BAD AS THEY ARE?" SHE THEN ACTUALLY CALLED ME AN IDIOT AND HUNG UP THE PHONE!

YESTERDAY, SHE CALLED FROM MASTERSON, CONFIRMED THAT THE ALIENS HAD LEFT AND APOLOGIZED FOR CALLING ME AN IDIOT, BUT REITEREATED THAT I HAD NO RIGHT TO TAKE THE CHANCE I DID. SHE SAID SHE ENJOYED THE TIME WE SPENT TOGETHER, BUT WOULD NEVER CONTACT ME OR SEE ME AGAIN AND THAT MASTERSON WOULD NOW SLOWLY DISBAND AND THE PROFESSIONALS INVOLVED WOULD GO WHERE THEY FEEL NEEDED. SHE SAID THAT THESE WERE THE ONLY ALIENS THAT POSED A THREAT TO THE EARTH AND THAT THE BEST THING FOR ME TO DO WAS TREAT THE WHOLE THING AS A "DREAM".

SO YOU CAN STOP WATCHING STAR SEARCH AND I CAN GET BACK TO THE REST OF MY LIFE AND THE WORLD WILL NEVER REALIZE HOW CLOSE IT CAME TO BE BEING DESTROYED BY A SIT-COM.

I (Leneesa) ASKED HIM LOTS OF QUESTIONS: HERE ARE THE ANSWERS.

1. I TRIED TO FIND OUTABOUT ALL THE THINGS THE MASTERSON PEOPLE KNEW ABOUT THESE ALIENS AND HOW THEY KNEW THAT THEY HAD BEEN IN CONTACT WITH ME. THEY DIDN’T WANT TO GET SPECIFIC OTHER THAN TO TELL ME THAT FOLLOWING JACK AND HIS FRIENDS WAS THE WHOLE REASON FOR MASTERSON RESEARCH BEING THERE AND THAT THIS WHOLE THING HAD BEEN GOING ON FOR QUITE A WHILE.

2. I DID ASK JEAN ABOUT THE GLOBE. SHE SAID I COULD KEEP IT AND SHOULD EMPTY OUT THE CONTENTS INTO MY GARBAGE DISPOSAL. IT WAS OF ABSOLUTELY NO DANGER TO HUMANS OR ANIMALS BUT IT MIGHT BEGIN TO SMELL AFTER A WHILE IF I LEFT IT. SO IS STILL HAVE IT.

3. IT DIDN’T SEEM THAT JACK EVER KNEW WHAT I WAS THINKING. I SEEMED TO KNOW WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO AND WHAT JACK WAS SAYING TO ME. HOWEVER, TO COMMUNICATE WITH THEM, I SPOKE OUT LOUD IN ENGLISH. SOME OF THE THINGS THAT WERE ACCEPTED BY JACK WERE VETOED BY THE COUNCIL.

4. YES, I BELIEVE THAT THESE ALIENS WERE TRYING TO TAKE OVER THE EARTH AND I BELIEVE THE MASTERSON PEOPLE WHEN THEY SAY THAT THIS WAS THE ONLY GROUP OF ALIENS THAT HAS THAT AGENDA.

FINALLY I HOPE I NEVER HEAR FROM JACK OR THE MASTERSON PEOPLE AGAIN. I NEVER EVEN WANT TO WATCH ARESENIO HALL AGAIN!