THOSE PLUTONIANS! :)
By Suzie Compost
San Juan Horseshoe Winter Edition
(Solar Junction) Plutonians here are offended and a little angry after being designated a dwarf planet by astronomers who say the nonluminous celestial body is not big enough to be considered a legitimate planet.
Many residents of Pluto, formerly the ninth and farthest planet from the sun, say that sidereal periods of revolution, abstract perihelion's and especially confining aphelion's are nothing to play with and can be dangerous in the hands of amateurs from earth.
Often ignored due to its last place finish in positions from the sun, Pluto has sneaked by all these ions joining the other revolving entities in one Solar system, seated with the eight major planets in conjunction with the stars. Although Pluto has no known marketability or industrial output (with an unemployment rate of over 100%) Plutonians are the healthiest inhabitants of the Solar System.
"We're not a star and now we're not really a proper planet either. What are we then... intergalactic debris?" asked Sarah Shuttle, a former NASA astronaut who landed on Pluto some years ago and decided to stay.
"How can anyone take the word of these charlatans, none of whom has ever set foot on Pluto?" demanded one Plutonian elder. "When the bubble bursts it is they who are the zealous plutocrats and we the innocent victims of it all trying only to prosper on the vast fringes of stellar no-man's land."
Another Plutonian agreed adding that only last year scientists said Pluto was larger than Mercury or Venus.
"How is it that we have shrunk to oblivion? They distinctly said half the size of the earth, at least diametrically," he said. "Let's face it, we're not exactly a major market out here but we have value. If we were right there downtown like Mars or Jupiter it would be a whole different deal. We are and have been the redheaded stepchild of planetary prestige, the bastard of Caliban, the lost tribe of the underworld, the last train to Clarksville. We can handle that but this dwarf planet business.... well, it really puts our face on it, doesn't it."
An ongoing dispute between Pluto and Earth over fishing rights in the straits of Armageddon has manifested itself in angry denials of wrongdoing evolving to shouting matches across the solar system.
"The whole thing is a big mess," said one astronomer from Buffalo Chippe Observatory near Boulder. "We have to consider the planetary psyche and the overgrown ego of Plutonians. For centuries they have believed they were just as good, a normal, upright planet just like the rest only to find out they don't quite measure up," he stressed.
Stopping short of calling the entire judgment racially motivated, an ambassador from Uranus, Pluto's closest neighbor, has suggested that the attitude of the favored planets is condescending and hostile toward emerging masses. He says Pluto has become the latest in a long line of victims of the classic upstate down-state rivalry.
"These seeds of uncertainty are the seeds of discontent and be thee wary who throweth them," she said in a thick Uranian accent. "Everyone knoweth that Plutonians can only be pushed so far."
(And if you believe all that I have a bridge for sale!)